Some Things I Would Never Want To Be

A not exhaustive list

By Rose Tartaros

• A fly on the wall

• A man

• On Substack

• Outdoorsy

• Invited to host an industry panel alongside my peers

• Daughter of the Confederacy

• Widely considered a national treasure

• Bludgeoned to death by a highly inefficient weapon

• Gossip monger who is also Trappist monk

• Mutant who is also a superhero but also still a fucking mutant

• Riddled with shame

• Building a Better, Safer Future w/AI

• Former @google @McKinsey @DeptofDefense

• Taking a much-needed professional pause to travel the world, cultivate inspiration, and push myself beyond my comfort zone! Proud @StanfordGSB alum.

• Zelda Fitzgerald

• Really into Bret Easton Ellis

• Really into Neil deGrasse Tyson

• Really into space, at all

• A neo-Nazi community organizer just living out my truth

• One of the Antonelli’s — from Antonelli’s Cheese Shop!

• Laudanum user

• Dangling precariously from a very great height

• On a cruise ship when dysentery breaks out

• Pre-satellite-era cartographer

• The innocent victim of a vibe shift

• Lost at sea

• Human garbage

• Alive for nearly all of human history

• LinkedIn Guy Who Posts Drake Memes

• Eliminated from Final Jeopardy (/a disgrace to my family)

• Intimacy Coordinator on the set of a mid-to-late 1990s R&B music video (any)

• Performative nihilist

• […]-pilled

• Originally from Boston

• Directly responsible for climate change

• Madly in love with John Mayer

• Quarterback of the New York Jets

• An absolute fucking legend

• Trapped in a luxury vehicle with James Corden

• Missin the good old days, when The Strokes were the kings of New York and everyone who was anyone read VICE

• Publicly horny

• Awkwardly tall

• Verified Blue Check in 2023

• A spineless toady

• Any character in Kafka

• Mistaken for a celebrity that’s less attractive than me

• Any character in The Big Chill

• Genius.com lyrics annotator

• Banned from all parks

• One of two people left in a bar and the other person is Billy Bob Thornton