More Things I'd Never Want To Be
Again, not a complete list.
By Rose Tartaros
Emboldened
Missing
Ironically obsessed with my job
Woefully misinformed
Just not cut out for this
Getting a little too handsy at the Piggly Wiggly
Animorph but I can’t stop morphing and there’s no end in sight and I’m just racing through stages of Animorphism for all eternity
Anal retentive bagel connoisseur
Food blogger
Grown adult male + collector of Jim Morrison memorabilia
The Queen of Mississippi
CPA for Shakira
Famous for my turkey tetrazzini
Subject to a coin flip between Democracy and Darkness and the referee is Jeffrey Bezos AGAIN
Outed as part of an inner circle
Caught kissing Hitler Youth in my widowed father’s gazebo
Cordially invited to the home of Mr. And Mrs. MacBeth
Toothsome
Crestfallen to learn I’ve never been featured on the cover of the September Issue
Called on to explain what qualifies as tongue-and-groove paneling
Politely asked to apologize for a single fucking thing
Rich and boring
Middle class and guilty/worthless
Banned from Ancestry.com
Just one small part of this crazy, crazy world
Snorting Ketamine with my high school crush
Gen-X hipster starting to realize that my Pixies fandom and killer creative work on the new Liquid Death campaign might actually be at odds
Unable to understand what is even happening rn
Chuffed
Sincerely unable to recall my whereabouts on January 6, 2021
Good at sports in a way that makes others uncomfortable
Proud owner of a White Corvette
King Charles III
On an elevator to the rooftop of The Standard with four very promising freshmen from Tisch
Waking up to remember that last night I slipped and fell into a mysterious dark pit and now an ugly old hag peers into the pit and laughs a cruel, cruel laugh and declares that the pit is a cauldron of herbs and spices and divers pestiferous vinegars and I think to myself, “Oh poor, pitiful me — what a pickle I’m in!”
Disney Adult
Packing for my third consecutive spring break to Rock City
Catching up with the cast of Impractical Jokers
Taking out a HELOC to go on a “once-in-a-lifetime” ski trip
At a seated dinner party when — unprompted, in unison — literally everyone starts talking about how awesome skiing is
Having a productive and humbling conversation about urban density, restrictive zoning laws, and the future of the American downtown when — no joke — literally everyone starts complaining about lift prices at Deer Valley, how things have gotten so out of hand that, God, who even knows what we’ll do next season, is it even worth it, because obviously you have to start planning well in advance, like basically a full year out, and good luck trying to find a better alternative on this side of the country, you may as well just bite the bullet and go to Europe, which is fine but just such a hassle to get over there, and the last time we went it was crowded and touristy and honestly the snow was mediocre, very mediocre snow, I have definitely have experienced better snow elsewhere, so obviously that was a letdown because you’re like, uh, what did I come all this way for, a few interesting runs and some overbaked wienerschnitzel, I could’ve done this upstate, and, God, not to be overdramatic but is this really the world we want our kids to grow up in, a world in which it’s increasingly hard to find good quality snow and reasonable lift fees, because honestly if that’s the case I think that’s really sad and just symptomatic of so many other problems, so many other issues our society is facing today, and I’m just so, so thankful for my parents who were able to provide me with a childhood which at the time I took for granted but now I realize was absolutely blessed, truly blessed, full of wonder and love and so many — so many — fantastic days on the slope
Joe Rogan Cruiseline